Some Things in Life Can’t Be Planned

I’ve always been a planner. It drives my family crazy. For as long as I can remember, I have planned everything. I live for lists and organization. I go on vacation with an itinerary.

This has been the topic of many arguments. Why can’t I be more relaxed and “go with the flow?” To be honest, I don’t know. What I do know is that I love order and knowing what to expect. My motto – a place for everything and everything in its place.

Yes, I’m one of “those” people.

Unfortunately there are some things in life you can’t plan.

What I never planned on was cancer.

A quick and easy surgery to remove an ovarian cyst ended up resulting in the diagnosis of ovarian clear cell cancer. It’s a very rare and aggressive type that has a high rate of recurrence. Only about 5% of all people with ovarian cancer have this kind.

As you can imagine the news didn’t hit me well. My first thought was that I’m dying. I’ve known a few people with ovarian cancer and none of them made it past a couple of years. I immediately found myself scared and scrambling to figure out how to plan for the worst.

I Googled. Big mistake. The statistics are frightening. All it did was scare me more.

My first few days after diagnosis were spent doing a lot of crying. I was angry – at life, at God, and at circumstances. I was angry at myself for not paying better attention to what was happening with my body. The anger turned into depression. My poor family. I don’t know how anyone put up with me those first few days.

Thankfully I have a good doctor, who was able to explain things and calm me down.

My cancer appears to have been caught early. The doctor initially thinks I am a stage 1C, but we won’t know for sure until after I have surgery. The surgery will remove all my lady parts, lymph nodes, fatty tissue on the abdomen (anything cancer could touch), and do biopsies of all the surrounding organs and tissues. This will help us know what step to take next – chemo, radiation, or both. Surgery is scheduled for Thursday and treatment will start shortly after that.

I’m looking forward to surgery. I know that sounds strange, but I am ready to start the fight.

The one thing I am holding onto most is my faith. People have asked me, “How can you still be so faithful after something like this?”

How can you not be faithful? When nothing else makes sense, where do you go?

I have no idea what the future will bring. Only God does. Because of that, I am relying on him to get me through this. Whatever getting me through this looks like is up to him. My only hope is that I can be a good representation of Christ’s love throughout this journey. I hope that I can somehow point to him. May I never lose my joy and peace.

So why am I starting a blog? Writing has always been my solace. Getting my words out and written down has been my way of coping with stress since I was a little girl. It seemed to me like something this gigantic should be no exception. Hopefully someone can relate to or learn from my journey.

So here we go. One day at a time.

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13